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[RC] Which One Are You? - kstandeferWhich one are you?
The BackYard Rider:
The backyard rider is usually found wearing shorts and sports bra in summer,
and flannel nightgown, muck boots and down jacket in winter. Drives a Ford
Tempo filled with saddle blankets and dog hair. Most have deformed toes on one
or the other foot from being stepped on in thin Keds sneakers. Pulls a
two-horse bumper-pull trailer stored behind the barn, used for hay storage. Her
horse, Snookums, sports a hand-cut (with scissors) bridle path; duct tape holds
a shoe on until the farrier gets by next month. Overheard frequently: "It's too
hot/cold/wet/dry to ride."
The Endurance Rider:
The endurance rider wears Lycra tights in wild neon colors. The shinier the
better, so the EMT's can find her body when her horse dumps her down a ravine.
Wears hiking shoes of some sort, and T-shirts she got for paying $75 to
complete another torturous ride. Her horse, Al Kamar Shazaam, used to be called
"you bastard" until he found an owner as hyper as he. Can spook at a blowing
leaf, spin a 360 and not lose his big trot rhythm or give an inch to the horse
behind him. Has learned to eat, drink, pee and drop to his resting pulse rate
on command; he has compiled 3,450 AERC miles-- with his rider compiling 3,445--
the missing five miles are the ones when he raced down the trail without his
rider after performing his trademark 360. Overheard frequently: "Anyone have
Advil?" "Anyone got some food? I think last year's Twinkies finally went bad."
"For this pain I spend money?" "Shazaam, you bastard-- it's just a leaf [thud]!"
The Natural Horsemanship devotee:
The natural horsemanship devotee looks like a throwback from a Texas ranch,
despite the fact that he lives in the suburbs of New Jersey. Rope coiled
loosely in hand in case he needs to herd any of those kids on roller-blades
away from his F-350 dually in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Cowboy hat
strategically placed, and just dirty enough to look cool. Levi's are well worn.
"Lightning" is, of course, this natural horsemanship guy's horse. Rescued from
a bad home where he was never imprinted or broke in the natural horsemanship
way, he specialized in running down his owners at feeding time, knocking
children off his back on low-hanging branches, and baring his teeth to look
mean. The hospitalization tally for his previous handlers was 12, until he was
sent to Round Pen Randy; after ten minutes in said pen, he is now a totally
well-broke horse, bowing to the crowd, and can put on his own splint boots
(with R.P.Randy's trademark logo embossed on them). R.P.R. says, of all this,
"Wel!
l, shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'!" "It's simple horsemanship." "With this
special twirly flickitatin' rope ($77.95 plus tax), you'll be round-pennin'
like me in no time!"
The Western Pleasure Rider:
The western pleasure rider is starched, bejeweled and has more silver than the
Queen of England. The ladies wear more rhinestones than Liberace and you can
literally go blind watching the Amateur western pleasure class. Their horses
have to have Zippo, Chocolate Chip, Blazing, or Dynamic in their name or they
aren't worth buying. Most pleasure horses walk at the jog (what happened to a
2-beat diagonal gait?) and look like they're impaled on a carousel pole at the
lope, yet they are a "pleasure" to ride. If the class got any slower the horses
& riders would be asleep. Most of the men look like they're sitting in
recliners any way, reared back & propped up. Huge spurs with wicked rowels are
mandatory for obtaining forward motion and that "infamous" spur stop. Kind of a
contradiction huh?!?
The Dressage Queen:
The dressage queen is freshly coiffed and dressed. Diamond stud earrings are
elegant and stately, and not so large that they blind the judge during her
passage-piaffe movements. $12 cooking apron is worn over $300 full-seat white
breeches and custom Koenigs. Her horse, Fleistergeidelsprundheim
("Fleistergeidel" for short) is a 173-hand warmblood who was bred to be a Grand
Prix horse in a European nation where his sellers are still laughing
hysterically when they talk about 'zat crazy American.' Despite being runty,
his new owner fell in love with his lofty gaits, proud carriage and tremendous
athleticism. Never mind that this talent was not revealed until he was chased
by a rabid fox, and has not been repeated since.
The Hunter / Jumper Competitor:
The hunter/jumper competitor is in a wide-striped polo shirt and white
breeches. The polo is so folks will know they're a jumper rider until they put
on their shirt and hunt coat with puke-green breeches. Baseball cap is
mandatory after a ride, in order to exhibit free advertising for that trainer's
stable for which they've forked over a mere grand or so per month. Her jumper,
Neverbeenraced, is a prime example of American Thoroughbred. The coat is deep
bay, no markings, a textbook TB head (no jowl), and no unusual conformational
characteristics other than crooked legs. Perfect, just perfect. The gelding has
learned to count strides all by himself, and asks in midair which lead his
mistress would like to land on today. Her Hunter, HisLordship, a perfect 16' 2
hand warmblood, with indeterminate physical problems, lives a better life
through pharmeceuticals and is convinced that Jose is his owner since he's
never dealt directly with anyone else. HisLordship begins his day at 3!
:30 a.m. with 1 1/2 hours on the lounge line, followed directly by a freezing
cold bath, even though he's not due to show until 9:00 a.m. Once the showing
begins, however, he won't leave the arena area until 5:00 p.m. that evening, as
he is entered in every class possible. His rider, on the other hand, has made
repeated trips to the snack bar, gone shopping in the available tack
stores/trailers and sat in the shade with her friends to watch and ridicule her
competition.
The Eventer:
The Eventer is always hunched over. Bent forward under the load, it's from
carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and all related
color-coordinated gear to every three-day event on the East Coast, or it could
possibly be a defensive stance for protecting his/her wallet, which is, of
course, nearly empty after buying three saddles, three bridles, three bits and
all that color-coordinated gear. Looked down on by the H/J set as "people who
just run their horses at fences" and by the dressage queens as "not pure
dressage riders,"eventers are smugly convinced that they are in fact the only
people in the world who CAN ride, since the H/J's don't jump real fences and
the dressage queens don't ride real horses. One popular horse, Fastnhighasican,
is a Thoroughbred track reject who had never won (or placed) in a single race.
Perfect eventer! He has two speeds: gallop and stop'n'dump which are used at
his discretion for all three phases of eventing. His favorite stunt is p!
erformed at cross-country water obstacles where his rider invariably stands up
slimed in waist-deep, murky pond water and threatens to sell him to
Fleistergeidel's owner. Called "Hi-ass" for short, Fastnhighasican delights in
another hilarious speed variation, the imfreeandyoucantcatchmegallop, a real
crowd-pleaser. It brings down the house when he stops and licks the Crisco off
his legs before continuing on to the merciless telephone-pole jump just ahead.
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