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Re: [RC] buddy problem(long) - Maggie Mieske

I have to agree with Charles...this was a great response and more
constructive than any of the others I have seen, mine included.  :)  Mine
was a knee jerk reaction from having to deal with similar situations (though
not the same) and I have come to the point that I am tired of playing games
with people anymore.  Sometimes I speak my mind too quickly if I get angry
and don't take a step back.  Anyway, a wise counselor once told me many
moons ago (during the ill fated first marriage) that I could not change my
husband, who loved button pushing and mind games...I was at my wit's end how
to deal with him (hence the counselling).  I COULD however change MY
reaction to his actions.  When I consciously prepared myself for a new
reaction to the button pushing, it totally blew his scene and gave me a new
control over my life (and hence the 2nd marriage years later to dear ol'
Nelson!).  It works.  I like Charles' advice the best.  And he really gave
specific things to do or say.  Rene, you have to take back the love and joy
of riding for yourself.  Please try this advice and let us know how it goes
in an update!!!  :)
Miles of smiles,
Maggie
----- Original Message -----
From: "Charles" <cdy@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: <RENESPONY@xxxxxx>; <ridecamp@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Sent: Sunday, July 27, 2003 9:07 AM
Subject: Re: [RC] buddy problem(long)



I'm going to go into Dear Abby mode and will give advice on how to deal

with

people.  I've got a lot more people experience than horse experience.

Some

of this advice I've developed from years of skiing with family and kids.
That and dealing with my older teenage son (now 20, almost 21).

My guess is that the ill will is building up.  I've seen several answers
saying to tell her about it etc.  I will disagree.  Telling her probably
won't help.  It won't slow her down.  It won't make her ready for rides.

It

won't make her treat her poor horse better.

Instead, I recommend DO SOMETHING>

Problem: She is totally unprepared.
Solution: Next time, you don't have a "thingamabob" that you can spare.

You

must have left the other one back at the barn.  She may not be prepared
because she hasn't had to be prepared or ready with "extra" gear.

Problem: She tries to ride 5 to 6 times a week.
Solution: You ride as often as you like.  If she rides more, don't join

her.

Just say "not today, thanks".

Problem: Her idea of an hour ride is 3 1/2 hours long
Solution: Tell her "I'm done for today."  Turn around and go back to the
barn and do what you want to do.

Problem: Your horse can't keep up.
Solution: Don't keep up.  If she gallops off, don't feel the need to chase
her down, or even catch up to her.  If your horse can't keep up the pace,
then DON'T.  All the advice I've read is "ride your own ride".  Also, it's
good training for your horse to see buddies and other horses go off into

the

distance.  If he's anything like my horse Jon, he won't mind doing less
work.

Problem: She busts your chops to catch up.
Solution: Don't catch up.  Go at your own pace.  If she busts your chops,
either ignore it, or say "I didn't feel like going faster".  What is the
worst she can do?  You don't have to worry about anything.  Your reward
comes from knowing your horse.  Nobody jokes about my speed when I ski,

it's

because I don't care about how fast we go down the hill.  The others ski

off

and we all meet at the end of the day and have fun.  Do the same.

Problem: She thinks trotting a horse means breaking into a canter.
Solution: Don't break into a canter if you don't want to.  Let her race

off.

So you don't keep up, big deal.

Problem: She trots off when I catch up.
Solution: don't catch up.  Ride your ride and let her be.

Problem: She wants someone to talk to while riding.
Solution: She can hang back with you.  If she wants to race, she faces the
consequence that you won't be there to chat.

By now, I've probably beaten you over the head with the same theme.
Basically, go and do what YOU want to do.  She has been manipulative and
making you play her game.  She's been setting the pace.  She's been
designing the ride.  Stop playing the game and it will end.  People either
stop being manipulated, or go on to find new targets.

If she wants to ride together, she can do some of the work of "being
together".

(If it's like my kids, it may get worse - read more chiding about how you
are becoming a slowpoke.  Don't worry about it.  Stick to your guns and

your

decisions and things will work out better).

I recommend changing your actions more than talking with her.  She may or
may not know what she is doing.  She has been setting the pace and

gameplan.

We naturally tend to fall into the habit of repeating how we've done

things

in the past, and so you may find yourself in the same situation again.  I
have found talk doesn't work in this situation.  Action works.  By

changing

our actions and responses to stimuli, we either feel better because we are
doing what we want, or the other person stops producing the stimulus

because

it isn't getting the desired response.

The other advantage of changing actions, is that you avoid things turning
"ugly".  There are no accusations, no recrimination, and best of all, no
hurt feelings.

Who knows, you may find her more tolerable when the feelings of resentment
pass.

Sorry my response is so long.  Still, I think by changing your actions,

and

doing the ride YOU want to ride, things will get better.

Charles
----- Original Message -----
From: <RENESPONY@xxxxxx>
To: <ridecamp@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Sent: Saturday, July 26, 2003 11:05 PM
Subject: [RC] buddy problem(long)



i know some of you would give your right arm for a riding buddy but i

got

a

problem.
my ridding buddy is a pain in the butt. we simply do not get along.
however i feel like the ungrateful witch for saying anything.
heres the story.she has the truck, i have the trailer and all the

camping

equipment,and extra horse stuff.and good thing i do cause she is totally
unprepared for everything.
 we board at the same place and both work there part time.
she probably wouldn't go to rides if she couldn't get someone to go with

her,

and it would be silly to take two rigs from the same barn to go to the

same

ride, cant we just get along????
i have been with horses for over 20 years and she has been doing it for

2,

so

i guess you could call her a newbie. both our experiences are LD.
she's got a 6 yro NSH i got a  8 yro qtr/arab.
unfortunately she wont listen to anyone including the trainers and the

vet.

she goes crazy with the conditioning, tries to always ride 5-6 times a

week,

wants to go with me all the time when i ride, wants to ride all day and

go

fast.
she will say "lets go out and do an easy hour ride" we get home 3 1/2

hours

later after i chase her over hill and dale.now her boy can cover ground,

has a

huge stride and i cant keep up on the little Arab cross. so i either try

to

keep up or leave her in the woods.her favorite thing is the 10 minute

trot, and

she loves the gravel roads cause she has to walk in those darn woods!
she will constantly bust my chops to catch up and push him harder.she

says

we

are trotting then her horse will break into a canter and she will take

off

because she enjoys going fast. she hates to walk because its boring, and

will

walk till i come trotting up then take off again.she does the same thing

at

rides and i have pulled back and sent her on ahead much to her dismay.

she

wants

someone to talk to and that's the big thing about why she wants me right

beside

her the whole day.

I've tried reasoning with her, faining a pain in my side to get her to

slow

down,etc.
her poor horse is only 6 and the vet is telling her he is getting worn

in

the

stifles already. the horse is frequently stiff the next day and is now
blowing abcesses in his feet.
you think my horse would come into great shape from chasing our "rabbit"

but

the pace is blowing his mind, and he gets uncontrollable at strange

places

(like rides!)
we are fine alone, and fine if in a familiar place. hey, i love to go

fast

too, but this is too much.
i have copied articles off the Internet to inform her, lent her books,

but

it

seems to fuel the fire to "do better" at every ride. a little bit of
knowledge is dangerous.
i am looking to part company with her, so i can enjoy myself and ride my

own

pace.
her darn horse always scores better than mine even though i top 10 every

ride.

the horse could be a star, he's a dream to watch, covering ground,

drinking,

eating gets great scores (98 +99's) if she don't run him into the

ground.

two different people with two different horses.
So now am I an ungrateful witch?
She can be so nice, and we use her truck for everything, which should be

cool.

A person who wants to go everywhere and do everything! Wouldn't that be

a

dream?

now i see in her tack room 6 tubs of supplements and vitamins, which she

is

giving him twice a day, and she is telling me she doubles the dose on

hard

days

of work.
aaaargh!! and the funny thing is she will sit and lecture you on all the

fine

things she learned in her books, and what the vet told her to do.
i really, really hold my tongue and try not to argue with her as she

tells

me

how its gonna be and why am i doing this and that?
no matter how nice i put it, she will be upset if i tell her I'm doing

my

own

thing and don't want to do things with her any more.
but I've had enough and am not enjoying myself any more. what am i to

do?


Rene

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http://www.endurance.net/ads/seabiscuit.html

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Information, Policy, Disclaimer: http://www.endurance.net/Ridecamp
Subscribe/Unsubscribe http://www.endurance.net/ridecamp/logon.asp

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Replies
Re: [RC] buddy problem(long), Charles