Fun Horse Classifieds

[Beverly Gray <bgray@xmission.com>]

BUYER BEWARE
 HOW TO INTERPRET CLASSIFIED HORSE ADS:
    BIG TROT:  can't canter within a 2-mile straightaway
      NICELY STARTED: lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride
him yet
      TOP SHOW HORSE:  won a reserve championship 5 years ago at a show
      with unusually low entries due to a hurricane
     HOME BRED:  knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch
     BOLD:  runaway
     GOOD MOVER:  runaway
     ATHLETIC:  runaway
     NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER:  runaway
      NEEDS EXPERIENCED RIDER:  *dead* runaway
     DEAD QUIET:  just dead
      RECENTLY VETTED:  someone else found something badly wrong with
this horse
      BIG BONED:  good this has mane and tail or would be mistaken for a
cow
      DOING COURSES:  when tranquilized to the eyeballs and lunged six
      hours straight before
      WELL MANNERED:  hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a
week
     PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED:  hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked
      anyone for a month
     STARTED O/F:  started overfeeding because can't ride
      SHOULD MATURE 16 HANDS:  currently 13 h, dam is 14.2 h, sire is
15h,
      every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15h, but
*this*
      horse will defy his DNA and grow
     TO GOOD HOME ONLY:  not really for sale unless you can:  1) pay
twice
      what he is worth; 2) allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye
every
      night; and 3) are willing to sign a 10-page legal document
      NO VICES:  especially when he wears his muzzle
      LIGHT CRIBBER:  we can't afford to build any more barns and fences
      for the buzz saw
      NO TIME FOR HIM:  he's lucky to be fed
      EXCELLENT DISPOSITION:  never been out of the stall
      CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS:  CLIPpity, clippity is the sound his hooves
       make when he HAULS a** across the parking lot when you try to
LOAD him.