The Recruiter

I phoned the Air Force recruiter today. I identified myself as retired Air Force and said the following to him: "I retired in 1994, after 20 years of being an Air Traffic Controller. I'd like to come back in. If you still have that assignment request thing, I'd like to put in for any of those countries ending in "stan." I want to visit Stan."

The recruiter, after asking me a few questions, informed me that I still had a year left on my inactive reserve status. "That's the problem," I said. "It's inactive; doesn't do much of anything. I want to become active again. No reserve, active duty. I'm going nuts here at home."

"Well, let's see. After I retired I tried a stint with the U.S. Post Office. I didn't last long there. They put me in the mail distribution section, taking 100 lb packs of newspapers and magazines off of a conveyer belt and throwing them into separate bins according to zip code. After the third day, while throwing a really heavy stack into the bin that was the furthest distance from my station, I felt a tear in my right lower abdomen area. Next day I went to a doctor and he informed me I had a hernia on my right side. Two weeks later I went through the most agonizing surgery I ever imagined. I couldn't go to the bathroom for six days. I thought I was gonna die. Other than that, I'm fine physically. Mentally, I cry a lot over anything relating to the terrorist attacks and then become extremely angry. I find myself, quite often, screaming vulgarities at the television. I watch way too much CNN."

"Very good, Sergeant. We can get around the hernia thing since you had it repaired. I want to let you know that the Air Force has changed quite a bit since you retired. Everyone is now on mobility, which means you will require retraining. Things like firing different types of guns, training on how to deal with chemical and biological warfare, and learning how to camp out with a large group of fellow Airmen. Your record indicates you didn't do much of that while you were on active duty."

"No problem," I respond. "I've been doing horseback endurance riding for over two years now and I've picked up quite a few camping skills. I even, accidentally, set a bale of hay on fire during one cold night, trying to keep warm. I have my very own gas mask, which I wear anytime I go to Wal-Mart, the Post Office or visit the Capital building in Washington D.C. I own five hand guns, two shotguns, and one long range rifle. I have no problem with the gun thing. In fact, I'm hoping you'll let me wear one all the time. They frown on it here at home when I wear one to Wal-Mart, even when I have on my red hat with the American flag."

"Very good, sir. We have your phone number. There's a long list, evidently you're not the only retiree who feels so strongly about what is going on right now. There's this guy named Jim who is constantly calling the Marine office next door. He keeps telling the recruiter he can make any horse lie down, with verbal commands. He thinks this might come in handy since Bin Laden rides a horse. We will call you as soon as we have an opening. Good-bye, Sergeant."

And that's it. I'm in, I know they'll be calling me soon. Bags are packed, I'm ready to go. My wife thinks the recruiter was putting me on, just trying to humor me, but, I tell her this is no time for that kind of joking around. Things have gotten way too serious for any of that. I'll be spending this Christmas with "Stan." Maybe, in the land of "stan," I'll run into Jim, teaching all those Marines how to have a horse lie down, with just one whisper.

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