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Re: Re: Sheath Cleaning

Way back when I boarded my horses in So Cal, our barn also ran a rent string
and we had a Real Buckaroo show up once with all that fancy-shmancy gear,
but even worse---white, woolley sheepskin bat-wing chaps, real high heels on
their boots, big silver bull-rider rowel spurs, hat that a family of four
could have picnicked in the shade under, AND he even brought his own saddle
and loaded with more silver than a Nevada mine.  Honest, he looked like
Pancho Villa in one of those 20's silent films.  He knew ALL about horses,
insisted on saddling his own horse, so after the manager harvested the spurs
and rifle scabbard, he let him saddle up the horse (I think he was looking
for something really fiery and flashy, but the wrangler being no dummy, had
given him Ol' Punkin).  Even with Knowing Everything About Horses, this guy
still wanted the mounting block to get on, but looked really good leaping up
the whole 12 inches or so from there to the saddle.  The problem was that
he'd forgotten to tighten the girth and the whole thing just sort of oozed
sideways down Punkin's side until it was parallel to the ground and damned
if that buckaroo didn't stay in the saddle as it slid over.  He finally
realized how uncool he looked sitting on the horse sideways and dumped off
and Punkin just turned around and looked at him like, "you gonna ride or

So even being another California buckaroo, I have my doubts that he knew
about sheath cleaning and can only imagine the gear he'd have shown up with
if someone had suggested THAT to him. <g>

Hadn't thought of that old boy in a long time until you reminded me with
your description.  Thanks for the giggle.

susan g

----- Original Message -----
From: Sandy Bolinger <>
To: ride <>
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 10:30 AM
Subject: RC: Re: Sheath Cleaning

> Made it through better than half my life without ever cleaning a
> a matter of fact I never even heard of such a thing until a couple of
> ago---we managed a 4,000 acre cattle ranch at the time---had about 12
> horses plus all our own...the owners were rich folks from California who
> would show up a few times a year--deck themselves out head to toe in all
> their cowboy riding gear---full shotgun leather chaps, Levi jackets, knee
> high cowboy boots(worn on the outside of their pants), Giant cowboy hats,
> bandanas..sometimes even gun holster with big gun.s...then we would saddle
> their horses for them and help them get on and they would bounce around
> ranch for a couple of hours---chase a cow here and there and call it
> good....One of the owner's son showed up with his new girl friend one
> summer---and she knew absolutely everything there was to know about
> horses...she was absolutely appalled that we hadn't cleaned our horses
> sheaths...when I heard what was involved and that it was common practice
> California---I pretty much assumed it was just another one of those
> things that originates in California...Hundreds of horses and dozens of
> mules in my fifty years---never cleaned a sheath and never had a
> problem...sounds like a WHOLE  lot of fun, however....I just might have to
> give it a try  ;o](after I brush all my horses teeth)
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: Liz Newfield <>
> To: <>
> Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 8:50 AM
> Subject: RC: Sheath Cleaning
> > >
> > ><< Can anyone explain [how to clean the sheath] to me and be
> > >specific...<<
> > >
> > >Step 1) Check to make sure there are no prospective boyfriends,
> > >elderly neighbors, or Brownie troops with a line of sight to the
> > >proceedings. Though of course they're probably going to show up
> > >unexpectedly ANYWAY once you're in the middle of things. Prepare
> > >a good explanation <vbg>
> > >
> > >2) Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your
> > >sense of humor (plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps
> > >thin rubber gloves).
> > >
> > >3) Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and its inhabitant
> > >wet. Uh, that is, do this in a *civilized* fashion with due
> > >warning to the horse; he is apt to take offense if an icy-cold
> > >hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal regions ;-)
> > >
> > >4) Now introduce your horse to Mr Hand <g>. What I find safest is
> > >to stand facing the horse's head, with my shoulder and hip snugly
> > >against the horse's thigh and hip so that if he makes any
> > >suspicious move such as raising his leg, I can feel it right away
> > >and am in any case pressed so close that all he can do is shove,
> > >not really kick. The horse should be held by an assistant or by
> > >your free hand, NOT tied fast to a post or to CrossTies. He may
> > >shift around a good bit if he's not happy with Mr. Hand's antics,
> > >but don't be put off by that; as long as you are patient and
> > >gradual, and stick close to his side, he'll get over it.
> > >
> > >Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a
> > >direct grab for your horse's Part. Give the horse a clue about
> > >what's on the program. Rest your hand against his belly, and then
> > >slide it back till you are entering The Home of the Actual
> > >Private Part. When you reach this first region of your
> > >destination, lube him up good with Excalibur or whatever you're
> > >using.
> > >
> > >5) If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel
> > >little clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope
> > >around in there. Patiently and gently expedite their removal.
> > >
> > >6) Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the
> > >sheath. The Part Itself, you'll have noticed, is strangely
> > >absent. That's because it has retired shyly to its inner
> > >chambers. Roll up them thar sleeves and follow in after it ;-)
> > >
> > >6) As you and Mr. Hand wind your way deeper into the sheath, you
> > >will encounter what feels like a small portal that opens up into
> > >a chamber beyond. Being attentive to your horse's reaction,
> > >invite yourself in <vbg>. You are now in the inner sanctum of The
> > >Actual Private Part. It's hiding in there towards the back,
> > >trying to pretend it isn't there. Say hi and wave to it <vbg>.
> > >No, really, work your finger back and forth around the sides of
> > >it. If the horse won't drop, this is your only shot at removing
> > >whatever dried smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part
> > >itself. So, gently explore around it, pulling out whatever crusty
> > >topsoil you find there. Use more water and more Excalibur if
> > >necessary to loosen attached gunk.
> > >
> > >7) When Mr. Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know
> > >each other pretty well, and the Part feels squeaky clean all
> > >around, there remains only one task: checking for, and removing,
> > >the bean. The bean is a pale, kidney-shaped accumulation of
> > >smegma in a small pouch just inside the urethra. Not all horses
> > >accumulate a bean, but IME the majority do, even if they have no
> > >visible external smegma.
> > >
> > >So: the equine urethra is fairly large diameter, and indeed will
> > >permit you to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer fingers
> > >inside the urethral opening. Do so, and explore upwards for what
> > >will feel like a lump or "pea" buried no more than, I dunno,
> > >perhaps 3/4" in from the opening. If you do encounter a bean,
> > >gently and sympathetically persuade it out with your finger. This
> > >may require a little patience from BOTH Mr. Hand AND the horse,
> > >but the horse will be happier and healthier once it's
> > >accomplished. In the rare event that the bean is too enormous for
> > >your finger to coax out, you might try what I did (in
> > >desperation) last month on the orange horse: Wrap thumb and index
> > >finger around the end of the Part and squeeze firmly to extrude
> > >the bean. Much to my surprise it worked and orange horse did NOT
> > >kill me for doing it and he does not seem to have suffered any
> > >permanent damage as a result ;-> I have never in my life seen
> > >another bean that enormous, though.
> > >
> > >8) Now all that's left to do is make a graceful exit and rinse
> > >the area very thoroughly in apology for the liberties you've
> > >taken <vbg>. A hose will be MUCH easier to use here than just a
> > >sponge and bucket, IME. Make sure to direct the water into the
> > >Part's inner retreat too, not merely the outer part of the
> > >sheath. This may require you to enfold the end of the hose in
> > >your hand and guide it up there personally.
> > >
> > >9) Ta-da, you are done! Say, "Good horsey" and feed him lots of
> > >carrots. Watch him make funny faces at the way your hands smell.
> > >Hmm. Well, perhaps there is ONE more step...
> > >
> > >10) The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing
> > >the lovely fragrance of smegma from your hands (fingernails arms
> > >elbows and wherever else it's gotten) is Excalibur. Even then, if
> > >you didn't use gloves you may find you've got an unusual personal
> > >perfume for a while. So, word to the wise, do NOT clean your
> > >horse's sheath just before an important job interview or first
> > >date ;-)
> > >
> > >and of course, there is that one FINAL step...
> > >
> > >11) Figure out how to explain all this to your mother (or the kid
> > >from next door, or the meter reader, or whoever else you've just
> > >realized has been standing in the barn doorway speechlessly
> > >watching the entire process. <vbg>)
> > >
> > >Now, thou go forth and clean that Part :-)
> > >
> >
> >
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