Sheath Cleaning

[Liz Newfield <lizfield@jeffnet.org>]

SHEATH CLEANING
>
><< Can anyone explain [how to clean the sheath] to me and be
>specific...<<
>
>Step 1) Check to make sure there are no prospective boyfriends,
>elderly neighbors, or Brownie troops with a line of sight to the
>proceedings. Though of course they're probably going to show up
>unexpectedly ANYWAY once you're in the middle of things. Prepare
>a good explanation <vbg>
>
>2) Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your
>sense of humor (plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps
>thin rubber gloves).
>
>3) Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and its inhabitant
>wet. Uh, that is, do this in a *civilized* fashion with due
>warning to the horse; he is apt to take offense if an icy-cold
>hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal regions ;-)
>
>4) Now introduce your horse to Mr Hand <g>. What I find safest is
>to stand facing the horse's head, with my shoulder and hip snugly
>against the horse's thigh and hip so that if he makes any
>suspicious move such as raising his leg, I can feel it right away
>and am in any case pressed so close that all he can do is shove,
>not really kick. The horse should be held by an assistant or by
>your free hand, NOT tied fast to a post or to CrossTies. He may
>shift around a good bit if he's not happy with Mr. Hand's antics,
>but don't be put off by that; as long as you are patient and
>gradual, and stick close to his side, he'll get over it.
>
>Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a
>direct grab for your horse's Part. Give the horse a clue about
>what's on the program. Rest your hand against his belly, and then
>slide it back till you are entering The Home of the Actual
>Private Part. When you reach this first region of your
>destination, lube him up good with Excalibur or whatever you're
>using.
>
>5) If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel
>little clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope
>around in there. Patiently and gently expedite their removal.
>
>6) Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the
>sheath. The Part Itself, you'll have noticed, is strangely
>absent. That's because it has retired shyly to its inner
>chambers. Roll up them thar sleeves and follow in after it ;-)
>
>6) As you and Mr. Hand wind your way deeper into the sheath, you
>will encounter what feels like a small portal that opens up into
>a chamber beyond. Being attentive to your horse's reaction,
>invite yourself in <vbg>. You are now in the inner sanctum of The
>Actual Private Part. It's hiding in there towards the back,
>trying to pretend it isn't there. Say hi and wave to it <vbg>.
>No, really, work your finger back and forth around the sides of
>it. If the horse won't drop, this is your only shot at removing
>whatever dried smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part
>itself. So, gently explore around it, pulling out whatever crusty
>topsoil you find there. Use more water and more Excalibur if
>necessary to loosen attached gunk.
>
>7) When Mr. Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know
>each other pretty well, and the Part feels squeaky clean all
>around, there remains only one task: checking for, and removing,
>the bean. The bean is a pale, kidney-shaped accumulation of
>smegma in a small pouch just inside the urethra. Not all horses
>accumulate a bean, but IME the majority do, even if they have no
>visible external smegma.
>
>So: the equine urethra is fairly large diameter, and indeed will
>permit you to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer fingers
>inside the urethral opening. Do so, and explore upwards for what
>will feel like a lump or "pea" buried no more than, I dunno,
>perhaps 3/4" in from the opening. If you do encounter a bean,
>gently and sympathetically persuade it out with your finger. This
>may require a little patience from BOTH Mr. Hand AND the horse,
>but the horse will be happier and healthier once it's
>accomplished. In the rare event that the bean is too enormous for
>your finger to coax out, you might try what I did (in
>desperation) last month on the orange horse: Wrap thumb and index
>finger around the end of the Part and squeeze firmly to extrude
>the bean. Much to my surprise it worked and orange horse did NOT
>kill me for doing it and he does not seem to have suffered any
>permanent damage as a result ;-> I have never in my life seen
>another bean that enormous, though.
>
>8) Now all that's left to do is make a graceful exit and rinse
>the area very thoroughly in apology for the liberties you've
>taken <vbg>. A hose will be MUCH easier to use here than just a
>sponge and bucket, IME. Make sure to direct the water into the
>Part's inner retreat too, not merely the outer part of the
>sheath. This may require you to enfold the end of the hose in
>your hand and guide it up there personally.
>
>9) Ta-da, you are done! Say, "Good horsey" and feed him lots of
>carrots. Watch him make funny faces at the way your hands smell.
>Hmm. Well, perhaps there is ONE more step...
>
>10) The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing
>the lovely fragrance of smegma from your hands (fingernails arms
>elbows and wherever else it's gotten) is Excalibur. Even then, if
>you didn't use gloves you may find you've got an unusual personal
>perfume for a while. So, word to the wise, do NOT clean your
>horse's sheath just before an important job interview or first
>date ;-)
>
>and of course, there is that one FINAL step...
>
>11) Figure out how to explain all this to your mother (or the kid
>from next door, or the meter reader, or whoever else you've just
>realized has been standing in the barn doorway speechlessly
>watching the entire process. <vbg>)
>
>Now, thou go forth and clean that Part :-)
>