ABC's of Equestrian Life

[EAMULE@aol.com]

ABC's of Equestrian Life  - author unknown
 
Auction - A popular, social gathering where you can change a horse
from a financial liability into a liquid asset.

Azorturia (Monday Morning Disease) - a condition brought on by showing
orses all weekend. Symptoms include the feeling of dread at having to
get out of bed on Mondays and go to work.

Barn Sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates
during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing
wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to
bring on this condition rapidly.

Big Name Trainer - Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will
gladly sell their homes, spend their children's college funds and
their IRA's to support them- as they have a direct link to "The Most
High Ones" (Judges).

Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area.
Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through
water puddles.

Bolt - to gulp feed usually occurs with sandwiches at half-hour holds.

Bran - A wheat by-product occasionally fed moistened to horses, most
usually applied as spackel or stucco on owner.

Colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at
horse shows.

Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.

Contracted foot - The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes
up - right before a horse steps on your foot.

Corn - small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of
cowboy boots.

Cribbing - The vice of chewing your pencils while worrying as you
figuring cost of next year s hay.

Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he
administers mineral oil to his horse.

Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away
with you in the woods.

Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper
posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his way around
a show ring.

Feed - Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large
quantities of manure

Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse
something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).

Flea-bitten - A condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who
also own dogs and cats.
 
Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you
off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.

Founder - 1.) The discovery of your loose mare-some miles from your
farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like-"Hey, honey, I
found'er." 2.) A condition that happens to most people after
Thanksgiving dinner

Frog - Small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when
stepped on.

Gallop- The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn

Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.

Girth Sores- Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of
mid-section by fashionable large western belt buckles.

Green Broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten
the training bill from the Big Name Trainer...

Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and
pplying it to your own body.

Grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down
lawn chairs and show bills. (see pit crews)

Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing,
especially in unmentionable places.

Head Shy - A reluctance to use the public restrooms at any horse
event. Always applies to pit toilets.

Head Tosser - A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while
working in the barn.

Heaves - The act of unloading a truckful of hay.

Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her
foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.

Hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.

Hoof Pick - Useful, curbed metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog
doo from the treads of your tennis shoes.

Horse Trailer - Expensive movable urinal for horses. (and occasionally
riders)

Horse shoes - Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to
throw.

Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture
fencing.

Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given
a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.
 
Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each
year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.

Lead Rope - A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of
rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag.

Longeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the
purpose making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and
light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go
back to grazing.

Manure spreader - Horse traders

Mosquitoes - Radar equipped blood sucking insects that typically reach
the size of small birds.

Mustang - The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your
favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.

Overreaching - A descriptive term used to explain the condition your
credit cards are in by the end of endurance/show season.

Parasites - Small children (no flames please) that get in your way
when you work in the barn. Many gather in swarms at horse shows.

Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly
washed and sparkling clean grey horse that was left unattended in his
stall for ten minutes.

Pit Crews - Absolutely indispensable people occasionally noted for
their ability to get lost, be in the way, eat all the food, or be
sleeping in the camper when you finish a 100 mile ride.

Pony - The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via
transported semen-that was advertised as 15 hands tall.

Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion
when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter
classes.

Quarter Cracks - The comments that most Arabian owners make about the
people who own Quarter Horses.

Quittor - A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients
who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.

Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill.

Rasp - An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin
from the knuckles.

Reins - Break-away leather device used to tie horses with.

Ringworms - Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail
sides at horse shows.

Sacking out - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The
state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare
actually goes into labor and foals.

Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the
rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature
built-in ejector seats.

Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after an
endurance ride weekend.

Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting
for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms
include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state.
Can last several weeks.

Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a
rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.

Stall - What your truck does on the way to am endurance ride, 150
miles from the closest town.

Tack Room - A room where every item necessary to work with or train
your horse has been put, in a place which it cannot be found in less
than 30 minutes.

Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before the
endurance ride.

Versatility - an owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase
down a loose horse in one afternoon.

Vet Catalog - An illustrated brochure provided to stable owners that
features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or
have been dropped from a company's inventory.

Weaving - The movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road
with a rambunctious horse in it.

Whip Marks - The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused
by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging
ranch go. (Also caused by a wet or dry horse tail across the face
while cleaning hooves)

Windpuffs - Stallion owners. Also applied to used car salesmen.

Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.

Yearling - the age at which all horses completely forget the things
you taught them previously.

Youngstock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite,
kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the
ground.

Zoo - The typical atmosphere around most horse owner s houses before a
weekend excursion.


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