FW: North Pole/off topic <long>:}

Cheryl Newbanks (cnewbank@cybertrails.com)
Fri, 20 Dec 1996 11:56:52 +0700

>Re-engineering at The North Pole
>
>The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
>early reindeer retirement package has
>triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and
>about other restructuring decisions at
>the North Pole.
>
>Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's
>gift distribution business. Home shopping
>channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share.
>He could not sit idly by and permit
>further erosion of the profit picture.
>
>The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
>model Japanese sled for the CEO's
>annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered
>at the Harvard Business School, is
>anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne
>environmental emissions for which the North Pole has
>received unfavorable press.
>
>I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
>Tradition still counts for something at the
>North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the
>earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that
>way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush
>who was into the sauce and never did
>pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of
>Santa's helpers and taken out of context
>at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
>
>As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North
>Pole to continue to look for better, more
>competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures
>are to take place in the "Twelve Days
>of Christmas" subsidiary:
>
> The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
>to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be
> replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings
>in maintenance;
> The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
>effective. In addition, their romance
> during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are
>therefore eliminated;
> The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves
>the French;
> The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
>system, with a call waiting option. An
> analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling,
>how often and how long they talked;
> The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
>Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on
> one commodity could have negative implications for institutional
>investors. Diversification into other
> precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology
>stocks appear to be in order;
> The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
>afforded. It has long been felt that the
> production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the
>decline in productivity. Three geese will
> be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
>will assure management that from now
> on every goose it gets will be a good one;
> The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
>times. The function is primarily
> decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be
>retrained to learn some new strokes
> and therefore enhance their outplacement;
> As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
>scrutiny by the EEOC. A
> male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
>militant maids consider this a dead-end job
> with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the
>maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or
> a-mulching;
> Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
>will be phased out as these individuals
> grow older and can no longer do the steps;
> Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
>expense of international air travel prompted
> the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten
>out-of-work congressmen. While
> leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are
>significant because we expect an oversupply of
> unemployed congressmen this year;
> Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
>of the band getting too big. A
> substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no
>uniforms will produce savings which will
> drop right down to the bottom line;
>
>We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
>and other expenses. Though incomplete,
>studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is
>inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service
>levels will be improved.
>
>Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
>expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen
>lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
>
>Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
>in the future to stay competitive. Should
>that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow
>White Division to see if seven dwarfs is
>the right number.
>
> Happy Holidays!
>
>
>
>
>
>

Cheryl Newbanks &
~~^** Majestic Jihad (rookie in training)
~~}_ _~~ /\| Buckeye, AZ
( )__, ) ~ cnewbank@cybertrails.com
// \\
\\ //
** **