A little horse humor

[Sue Brown <sbrown@wamedes.com>]

This has appeared on req.eq and equine-l (according to the person that sent
it to me.)  The author is unknown.  I thought it was pretty good (probably
cuz I can relate to several of the descriptions ;-)) so I thought I'd pass
it on to you guys.  Enjoy.

Sue

--- begin forwarded text

Natural Horsemanship devotee looks like a throwback from a Texas ranch,
despite the fact that he grew up in the suburbs of NJ. Rope coiled loosely
in hand (don't want to send any messages of tension, after all) in case he
needs to herd any of those kids on rollerblades away from his/her F-350
dually in the WalMart parking lot. Cowboy hat is strategically placed, and
just soiled enough to be cool. Wranglers are well worn, with that little
wrinkle above the instep of the ropers, and lots of dust (well, you know,
from the round pen) on the lower legs.

The Dressage Queen is freshly coifed. Not even she remembers her own hair
color, but she has taken great pains to ensure that Rolf, the hairdresser,
makes the perm and highlights look "natural." Diamond studs are elegant and
stately, and not so large that they blind the judge during the entire
passage-piaffe tour.  $30 dollar denim jumper worn over $300 full seat white
breeches and custom Koenigs.


The H/J competitor is in an aqua polo and those breeches whose color could
be compared to, um, well, okay, let's say they're khaki. The polo is so that
folks will think they're a jumper rider until they put on their shirt and
stock tie. Baseball cap is  mandatory after a ride, in order to provide free
advertising to that trainer's stable for whom they shell over a mere grand
or so per month, and to hide "helmet head."

The Eventer is slightly hunched over. This could be from carrying three
saddles, three bridles, three bits, and all related color coordinated gear
to every event, or it could possibly be a defensive posture where he/she is
unconsciously protecting his/her wallet, which is, of course, nearly empty
from buying three saddles, three bridles, three bits and all related color
coordinated gear. Looked down on by the H/J's as "people who just run their
horses at fences" and by the DQ's as "not real dressage riders".  Eventers
are smugly convinced that they are in fact the only people in the horse
world who CAN ride, since the H/J's don't jump real fences and the DQ's
don't ride real horses.

The Endurance addict is wearing lycra tights in some neon color. Has not
read the rule that lycra is a privilege, not a right. The shinier, the
better, so that they can find her body when her mount dumps her down
(another) ravine. Wearing hiking sneakers of some sort and a smear of trail
dirt on the cheek. Sporting one of the zillions of T-shirts she got for
paying $75 to complete some other torturous ride. Socks may or may not match
(each other).

The backyard rider can be found wearing (in summer) shorts and bra, (in
winter) flannel nightgown, muck boots, down jacket. Drives a ford tempo
filled with dirty blankets and dog hair. Usually has deformed toes on the
right foot from being stepped on in the Walmart sneakers that are worn for
riding. Roots need touching up to hide the grey. 2-horse bumperpull behind
barn filled with sawdust/hay. Can be found trying to teach her horse to come
in the kitchen to eat so she doesn't have to walk all the way to the barn. 


The Mount

Rusty is the quintessential NH mount. Rescued from a situation where he was
never initiated in the NH ways, he'd learned to run down his owners at
feeding time, knock children from his back under low hanging branches, and
could even spit like a camel if provoked. The embezzlement has never been
proven.  The hospitalization tally for his handlers was twelve until he met
Spherical Sam. After twelve minutes in the round pen, he is teaching algebra
to high school freshmen, speaks three language fluently, and can put on his
own splint boots (with Spherical Sam's trademark logo embossed clearly).

Fleistergeidelsprundheim ("Fleistergeidel" for short) is an 18-hand
warmblood who was bred to make Grand Prix in a European nation where his
breeders are still laughing hysterically when they talk about 'zat crazy
American.'  Despite being runty, his owner fell in love with his lofty
gaits, proud carriage and tremendous athleticism. Never mind that this
talent was not revealed until he was chased down by a rabid raccoon, and has
not been repeated since. Has been injured sixteen times in the last year,
preventing his move to PSG at age 6, despite living in a 20' x 20' padded
stall and providing family supporting wages to a groom whose chief job duty
is "don't let him get hurt!"

Neverbeenraced is a prime example of American Thoroughbred. The coat is
deep bay, no markings, the textbook TB head, and no unusual conformational
characteristics. Perfect, just perfect. Overcame a near fatal flaw in his
H/J career when he learned that the plants in the jumps are NOT real, and
therefore did not require him to stop and taste. Has learned to count
strides all by himself, and asks in midair which lead his mistress would
like today.

Fastnhighasican is a Thoroughbred track reject who never won a single race
- perfect evener! He has two speeds, gallop and stopndump, and they are
used, at his discretion, for all three phases of eventing, although he has
some creative variations of gallop to spice up that boring dressage. There
is the gallopdowncenterlineandrear, the gallopdepartandbuck, the
extendedoutofhandgallop, and, a favorite among spectators, the
gallopzigzagpirouette in which the gallop is performed entirely while
hopping on his hind legs. His favorite phase is cross-country where all
obstacles regardless of size are jumped at the height of 5.5 feet, and
because that is where he gets to employ his personal favorite movement, the
stopndump. This is the most fun when performed at cross-country water
obstacles where his person invariably stands up soaking wet with murky,
smelly water and threatens to sell him to Fleistergeidel's owner while he
follows up with another fun gallop variation, the
imfreeandyoucantcatchmegallop, another crowd-pleaser.

Al Kamar Raka Shazaam was often called "you bastard" until he found an
owner as hyper as he, an endurance addict. Can spook at a blowing leaf, spin
a 360 and not lose his big trot rhythm or give up an inch to the horse
behind him. Has learned to eat, drink, pee and drop to his resting pulse
rate on command. Has compiled 3,450 AERC miles, with his rider compiling
3,445 -- those five miles being the ones he was chased down the trail after
performing his trademark 360 turn, without said aforementioned rider.

Snook'ums is the barkyard rider's horse. Big head; stride of a gerbil. Duct
tape holding shoe on until farrier gets out next month. Has a little qtr,
arab, standerdbred, tw, shetland blood. Mane cut with scissors straight
across. He's been there so long she forgot how she got him or where he came
from. Frequently  seen ambling around the yard. Been known to join family
picnics on the back porch.


Overheard Frequently

From the NH Devotee -- "Well, shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'!" "It's simple
horsemanship" "With this special twirly flickitat'em rope ($17.95 plus tax),
you'll be roundpenning like me in no time." "You silly human, that just
ain't natural for a horse."

From the DQ -- "Oh no, he's hurt again?!" "The check is in the mail." To
Herr Germanlastname: "Can't you tune up those one tempis for me?" To the
groom: "Get me that mounting block -- can't you see my nails are still wet?"
To the show  manager: "That footing has ruined my chances at Olympic Gold in
2000, I'll have you know." and "What were you thinking, stabling me next to
that nobody? That horse could be *diseased*?" To anyone who will listen:
"When I had dinner with Hilda / Lendon / Robert . . . "

From the H/J Competitor -- "Did you tell Neverbeenraced how many strides
between Fence Four and Fence Five -- I can never remember!" "Is my butt
sticking out enough when I post?" "Oh no, I can't jump 2'6", my trainer will
KILL me!" "I can't wait to do jumpers with Neverbeenraced -- then we can
wear one of those tasseled ear covers!"

From the Eventer -- "I broke my collarbone/ribs/ankle again last week, but
I'll be fine for the jog-up tomorrow." "How do you get pond water out of
saddle leather?" "Did you see our showjumping where Fastnhighasican bounced
the two stride combination?" "Did you see our final
gallopdowncenterlineandrear? I think he is finally starting to relax in
dressage." "Oh, it's just a little
concussion. Have you seen my horse?" "OOOOHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIT"

From the Endurance Addict -- "Anyone have Advil?" "Anyone have food? -- I
think last year's Twinkies finally went bad." "For this pain, I spend
money?" "Oh I never bring hay or water to the vet checks -- there's always
plenty around." "Quick, quick, did you look, was his pee okay?" "Shazaam,
you bastard -- it's just a leaf [thud]!"

From the backyard rider: "It's too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride." "I used to
show." "Where's my metamucil?" "Has anyone seen Snook'ems, last I saw him he
was across the road in the cornfield." "Here's a picture of Snook'ems when
he was 43 years young!" "Snook'ems stop slobbering on me."

--- end forwarded text


sbrown@wamedes.com
Tyee Farm
Marysville, Wa.


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