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Pre-race, I'll be strapping on my safety helmet which also contains an
integrated "Heads-Up" display from my GPS (Global Positioning System)
unit, which eliminates my need for a marked trail. I'm feeding my horse
Gurgle-B-Good gut sound enhancer powder, plus ElectroWhammy time-release
electrolytes (one dose lasts a month).
I've already had my horse's natural hoofs replaced with SuperHoof, a
synthetic hoof that never wears out yet has the traction of a radial
tire. For "maintenance", I just unbolt the SuperHoof from the fetlock,
trim away any natural growth, then rebolt.
I feel that my saddle is where I really out-do my rival competitors.
I've designed a "Floating Frame" saddle built entirely from titanium and
synthetics. It literally floats above the horses back on a cushion of
air which is generated by a small, self-contained fuel cell. Entire
weight of the saddle with power supply is 8.4 pounds.
I no longer use a bridle and bit. Instead, I've implanted a couple of
wireless servo motors in his jaw that act like little
electro-stimulators. Using the electronics built into my helmet, when
I move my eyes to the left, it sends a pulse to the right servo motor,
which causes him to turn away (to the left) from the stimulation and
thus we move in the appropriate direction. A special bypass function
allows me to look at my watch without having the horse attempt to jump
to the next county.
To reduce competition from the other technologically advanced riders, I
also ordered some GPS jamming electronics, which should arrive any day
now. This, coupled with a Stealth technology bum cover, virtually
eliminates my horse from being detected by other riders, further
complicating their race strategy.
I will be making these various devices available to the general racing
public once I win every race. They will be expensive, but for the rider
that wants to win, they are, in my opinion, the only way to go.
Mike Sofen
Seattle, WA
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