Teddy
Seasons Greetings
The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings has
been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate
downsizing.The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to
take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
decisionsat the North Pole.*Streamlining was appropriate in view of the
reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift
distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have
diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit
further erosion of the profit picture.+The reindeer downsizing was made
possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's
annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at
the Harvard Business School, is+anticipated and should take up the slack with
no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen
airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and
received unfavorablepress.-I am pleased to inform you and yours that
Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something
at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the
earlier leak+that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from
substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never
did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of
Santa'sahelpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known
to be under executive stress.+As a further restructuring, today's global
challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more
competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are
to take place in the&"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:-The partridge
will be retained, but the
pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be
replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in
maintenance.+The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.PThe three French hens will
remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.nThe four calling birds
were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option.
An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how
often and how long they talked.-The five golden rings have been put on hold
by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity
could have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other]precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and
high technology stocks appear to be in order.mThe six geese-a-laying
constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt
that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the
decline in productivity. Three geese_will be let go, and an upgrading in the
selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on
every goose it gets will be a good one._The seven swans-a-swimming is
obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily
decorative.
Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn
some new strokes and thereforeenhance their outplacement.>As you know, the
eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A
male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant m
aids consider this a dead-end job with nomupward mobility. Automation of the
process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or
a-mulching.śNine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps._Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to
suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While
leaping_ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant
because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year._Eleven
pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band
getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new mus
ic and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right downto the
bottom line.śWe can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day,
servicelevels will be improved._Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's
association seeking exp
ansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is
pending._Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board
will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven
dwarfs isthe right number.
Happy Holidays!