Ridecamp: [RC] Can I eat that?

Another installment of the Braveheart / Chickenshit series.

I got home from our ride last Sunday expecting to sit down and tell my
tale, but a message from my husband (Mr Elusive) left on the dining table
informed me that his sister was dropping by for a couple of days on her
way to visit their parents.  She would be arriving that evening.  Total
panic on my part.  The house was a mess.  She left Wednesday, but I had
school work to catch up on, so I'm just now getting to my story.  Most of
which I have forgotten.  But, here goes.

I arrived at the barn first and was a bit miffed to find that the horses
had just been fed.  The Caddie doesn't mind leaving dinner to go for a
ride, but breakfast is another matter.  The Rubberband, as it turns out,
is even worse.  The only thing on their minds that day was food.  ANY
food as far as RB was concerned.  Thank goodness Caddie is a little more
discerning in her choice of edibles.  

We left the barn very slowly because neither horse wanted to leave their
breakfasts.  The only thing on RB's mind was finding food.  He was
looking everywhere, but he wasn't paying a whole lot of attention.  One
house away from the barn was a nice fresh pile of garden clippings,
including mulberry branches (a favorite snack).  RB's jumping around
refusing to move forward passed the demon.  Caddie's just standing there
wondering what all the fuss is about this time.  Braveheart kicks RB, and
RB responds with the now famous swish of his hind leg.  She kicks again,
and RB swishes the other hind leg.  She kicks again, and RB backs up into
Caddie.  I told Caddie to bite him in the ass, but she wasn't inclined. 
RB finally went hopping sideways down the trail toward the killer garden
clippings, Caddie politely walking with him.  We stopped at the bundles
of branches.  RB is snorting and trembling.  Caddie takes one look at the
mulberry leaves and lights up.  FOOD!!  She's munching away  and RB
finally decides to join her (now that he's sure she's not been poisoned).
 After they'd picked over the best leaves we decided it was time to go.

Some barky dogs that are now learning to climb the fence started their
tirade,  desperately trying to reach the horses just over the fence. 
Caddie stopped to watch, and to play mind games with RB.  There was a
garbage can next to the fence where the dogs were hanging over, and
garbage cans are sources of food (at our barn grain and pellets are kept
in garbage cans, and Caddie is well aware of this ... she also has a nose
and lips that can open garbage cans).  Caddie was teasing the dogs, RB
staring in disbelief, but standing next to her.  Caddie's pinning her
ears and snapping at the dogs, and edging closer to the garbage can. 
Next thing you know that head of hers snaps over to the can and she gives
the lid a mighty shove.  The whole can shook back and forth, but didn't
open.  RB's eyes looked like saucers.  He backed away a couple of steps,
ready to leave if given the word.  The word was not given, however, and I
made Caddie leave the garbage can alone.  We proceeded up the trail to
our next mind game.

This time it was a garage sale with a white sign hanging on the fence,
cloths lying all around, and a woman mowing the lawn.  Caddie hasn't
acted like this in years.  I'm quite sure she was just trying to get RB
all worked up, because quite frankly he was being pretty good.  Caddie is
whirling and backing away from the garage sale like she was in total
mental meltdown.  I finally made her sidepass down the trail facing the
junk, snorting the whole way.  RB was now the one calmly and politely
walking with us.  What a switch.  As soon as we got by the house Caddie
turned forward and forgot all about it.

RB was still searching for food, and found a patch of grass that we
stopped and munched for a few minutes.  His next adventure in fine dining
came with a mouthful of ice plant.  He spit that out, but tried a couple
more mouthfuls just to be sure he didn't like it.  Another mulberry tree
afforded us the next opportunity to try and quell RB's hunger.  After
that was a mouthful of ivy.  We had now been out for 45 minutes and we
still hadn't entered the riverbed.  

We took a different course that morning, and headed down into the
riverbed closer to the nature preserve.  RB was in front, doing a fine
job locating munch stations.  We were going down the hill into the
riverbed and Caddie stopped to dole out a plate load of fresh cookies. 
RB just happened to notice that she had stopped, so he stopped too.  When
Caddie was done she walked on by RB, who steadfastly refused to go
forward.  We stopped to watch.  Braveheart gives RB a mighty kick and the
little snot (or should I call him a turd) backed up the hill to sink his
nose into Caddie's poop pile.  Braveheart and I are now holding our sides
we're laughing so hard.  RB just had to have his cookie.  When they
caught up with us he stuck his nose under her tail looking for more.

We stopped a few more times to let the horses eat, and came to the
conclusion that it was already too hot and we were too tired to do much
riding, so we decided to cut our ride short and not cross the river. 
When Caddie realized we were headed for home she decided she should lead
us out of the wastelands back to civilization.  She cantered for a little
bit, RB bucking, and Braveheart cursing, behind us.  She stopped for one
last poop and headed down a hill.  RB was throwing a tantrum a little
ways behind us and came racing to catch up.  He slammed on his brakes and
skidded to a halt right in front of her poop pile, threw down his head
and inhaled the poop.  

Braveheart is now getting a little disgusted with her darling boys
incredibly rude behavior.  He definitely does not pay the slightest
attention to anyone elses poop.  Caddie does get a different diet then RB
does, but not so different that her poop smells any sweeter than anybody
elses.  Trust me on that one.  It was funny the first couple of times he
did it, but now it's getting a little gross.  He actually backed up in
order to eat her poop!  I mean, how yucky is that!  On the other hand, it
puts the kibosh on his tantrums REAL fast.  Damned if you do, and damned
if you don't.  What a stinker.  I'm thinking of changing his name from
Rubberband to Shitface. 

The ride home was uneventful.  Caddie even went by the garage sale
without so much as a second glance.  

Braveheart informed me that RB was out with another babysitter this week,
twice.  One that is compatible gait-wise with RB.  RB was finally able to
trot to his hearts content with a horse that could do it with him.  I'm
told that by Sunday RB will probably be looking forward to a nice long
schlep with his cookie cutter.  Until next time America (and whoever else
may be reading this).

If you don't believe my story is true, go ask that blind man, he saw it
too.

Chickenshit  

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