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This past year I started riding my Arab Andalusian,
Lance. He's big, with a big heart and huge butt. Very much like me. My little
Odd Todd started whispering to me every time I got on him "Get off, get the hell
off." (it was sweet of him to whisper so as not to embarrass me if front
of the other horses) so I moved up to a bigger horse. However, I realize
that I can't start riding Clydesdales in this sport so maybe it is time to get
back in shape.
Our local YMCA advertised a class called "Hard Core
Fitness" and when I asked around about it, people said oh yes, it was tough. So
I called the instructor for more information. She said it was mostly
calisthenics and running. So, how tough can that be? Then she told me it had a
military theme. She said she wouldn't yell at us, but she could be loud.
She sounded so sweet. This will be a piece of cake.
John has been working so hard, not running and we
barely see each other during the week. So I thought, wouldn't be nice if we
could work out together again like we did way, way back then? At least we could
be together for an hour in the morning. So I asked him if he wanted to join the
class with me. I described the class to him and told him it was really a manly
kind of a class, not like the girly aerobic dance classes. He said ok, he would
go. That was too darn easy.
Monday morning at 5:50 a.m. working out as we knew
it, was now for wussies. Our instructor, (who I now see lied to me) made it very
clear what was expected of us. She also described punishments. Huh? Wait a
second, I paid to be in this class, am a grown adult and don't have to put up
with this crap! But as I looked in the mirror, I realized, I do have a lot
to lose so I will keep my mouth shut. I heard John say something like "Just
shoot me now". We did several sets of push-ups, sit-ups, leg lifts, jumping
jacks and rock climbing movements. My arms were shaking, my stomach was
quivering and as I turned around to smile at John he mouthed to me "I hate
you.". He looked rough. When we took off to run our mile, he asked, "What did
you get us into? Why didn't you tell me this class was this tough?". I told him
I had no idea what the class was going to be about but surely we could tough it
out. We have done triathlons, and marathons. Besides, it would give us more
energy. I don't think he bought that.
The instructor said she was going to give us
nicknames. John said he was going to name himself Fool. A fool for listening to
his wife, a fool for coming and a fool for letting some young, little
whippersnapper telling him to drop and give her twenty and, him doing it! If she
asks me what my nickname is I'll tell her "It's Bitch, and don't you forget it
Honey!" I will have to be the intimidator and not the intimidate-e because if I
have to drop, I am going down hard and I won't be able to get back up, much less
give her twenty. She made John and I stay after class on Tuesday to show us the
proper form for modified push-ups. I said, "Listen Honey, I don't need proper
form, I need liposuction.". She said she couldn't help me there. John told her
today he thought he was in better shape than this before he joined the
class. She repeated that to several long-time members and they just laughed. I
guess that is what they all say. John didn't see the humor.
The first day we could do at least one sit-up for
every 8 or so that was counted. Today, we couldn't do any because of the
pain. Thank God we didn't do any push-ups today. John and I would be at
the E.R. now getting out teeth and nose fixed because that is what would
have broken our fall on the first push-up/fall down. Of course, we could turn
our head to the side, but we would still have a concussion and maybe some
cracked ribs. John says as soon as he can lift his arms, he is going to slap me.
That will be a while.
Everything from the thigh bone up is sore. We can
barely lift our arms to put them on the steering wheel. A cough or a sneeze
requires several Advils. The sounds emitting from our bedroom at night are not
those of passion but of pain. It is a test of will to see how long we can hold
our bladder so we don't have to get up in the middle of the night. It is painful
either way. Every time one of us turns over, we wake the other one up, the
alarms in the neighborhood go off, and the dogs start to howl. It is only
day 3.
Just putting my hands up on the keyboard took a lot
of effort. I know it will all be worth it when I start competing again this fall
and am strong and fit and hopefully a tad lighter. I asked Wendy if when we go
out and John and I can't lift our beers will she hold them up for us. She said
whatever she holds, she drinks. I guess I will bring some straws.
You're darn right we are drinking beers. We are not
going to be tortured and give up beer at the same time. Besides, beer is for
medicinal purposes as a pain killer when consumed after a hard workout. It is
going to be a long, hard summer. I hope I am still married and alive when the
season starts.
Lisa Salas, The odd Farm
Ride 'em any way you
can!
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