Fwd: Fw: Fw: Super Hunky Writes Again...

[hikryrdg <hikryrdg@evansville.net>]

  To all: I've been a Ford man for years, but if Ford is going green, well, I
guess its time to look for another line of vehicle where the management is
more
in line with our values as trail riders.  If you think this isn't horse
related, just think about it.  What happens when the enviro nazis manage to
make the restrictions so tough you couldn't  tow a horse down the road with a
normal pickup?  Jerry
>
>
>
>--------- Forwarded message ----------
>From: ridetrails@juno.com
>To: rfgarrett@juno.com, JHelmsderf@aol.com, thebergovoys@juno.com,
> davidpenn@mediaone.net, russehnes@mcn.net,
> charliew@muskogeeok.com, dhatter@home.com
>Date: Sat, 2 Sep 2000 21:41:14 -0700
>Subject: Fw: Super Hunky Writes Again...
>Message-ID: <20000902.214117.-120213.19.ridetrails@juno.com>
>
>I hope you enjoy Rick "Super Hunky" Seiman's humor as much as I do . . .
>
>--------- Forwarded message ----------
>From: RandyB2001@aol.com
>To: a9d@glue.umd.edu, WLB812@aol.com, kblust@one.net,
> Summersrac@aol.com, tomcowher@msn.com, KDX200RACE@aol.com,
> wdgreen@rocketmail.com, calvin@ntr.net, motoman@kih.net,
> Ridetrails@juno.com, Rmarker@kcc.com, dstewart@infoave.net,
> swhitford@email.msn.com
>Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 22:22:08 EDT
>Subject: Super Hunky Writes Again...
>Message-ID: <85.29d78.26dc7850@aol.com>
>
>Thought you might enjoy this from Super Hunky...
> 
> 
>From: Clark Collins <73563.1551@compuserve.com>
>To: Blind.Copy.Receiver@compuserve.com
>Date: Thu, 24 Aug 2000 14:46:41 -0400
>Subject: Off-Road.Com on FORD
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>
>I'm forwarding this to some of my contacts at FORD Motor Company. I think
>this should be passed around the office until, hopefully, it reaches Henry
>Clay Ford Jr. You may not agree with Sieman's rhetoric, but he says what a
>lot of OHV enthusiasts feel, un-edited. I bought a 99 FORD Super Duty truck
>prior to all this flap over FORD's environmental attitude. Based on what
>I've heard, the only reason I would go to the local FORD dealer, if I was
>shopping for a truck now, is to tell them why I wouldn't be buying a FORD.
>That's really too bad, too, as the local dealership are good people, and I
>really like the way that big 7.3 diesel pulls when it's loaded down with
>dirt bikes pulling my camp trailer. FORD needs a tune up, on who their
>customers really are. So do a few other auto manufacturers.
>
>Clark L. Collins, BlueRibbon Coalition
>
>IS WILLIAM CLAY FORD A THREAT OR A MENACE TO OFF-ROADING?
>Off-Road.Com FINDS OUT
>by Rick Sieman (AKA "Super Hunky")
>
>(check out <http://www.off-road.com/>www.off-road.com for more information)
>
>             Just recently, a large wad of verbal excrement hit the fan,
>and it was hurled by no less a luminary than  the man who runs Ford Motor
>Company: William Clay Ford Jr., or Bill, as we like to call him.
>        What Bill said, in the proverbial nutshell, is that those loveable,
>huggable SUVs that everybody is  buying nowadays, are polluting monsters.
>In fact, with a wink of his corporate eye, Bill referred to them  ... and
>we quote ... "the Ford Valdez."
>        Off-roaders were incensed. Naw. Let's take that back; they were
>pissed!
>        So, in the spirit of journalism, ORC's Editorial Director, Rick
>Sieman, fresh off the success of his  interview with Al "Lurch" Gore,
>contacted a gaggle of Ford Media types to set it up.
>Strangely, we were greeted with a less than enthusiastic attitude. Most the
>PR folks we talked with  tried to brush it all off as Bill Ford just being
>a responsible citizen.
>        But we wondered just who he was being responsible to. After all,
>Ford sells a whole bunch of products  to ... dare we say it? ...
>off-roaders. Yep, bunky, those SUV-thingies actually have four-wheel drive
>and  big tires ... all the right stuff to send an eco-freak into a
>hissy-fit that'll have veins bulging out of his  forehead like splitting
>garden hoses.
>        By all accounts, we had Will Clay Ford bending over in front of the
>enviro-crowd, dropping his shorts,  grabbing his ankles, and effectively
>saying: "Spank me hard, because I'm a bad little boy!" Why?
>        Those PR people were not much help at all. Some of them tried real
>hard to defend what Bill Ford said  to a stunned public, and a few of them
>simply cleared their throats a lot and waffled around like  defense
>attorneys for OJ Simpson.
>        In no particular order, we contacted and tried to talk with the
>following folks. We'll give you their  numbers to see if you can do any
>better than we did. In no particular order, we have:
>
>Terry Bresnihan/PR Environmental (313) 337-2456 
>Ken Zeno/Ford Media Comm. (313) 390-8647
>Bill George/Public Affairs Mgr. (313) 845-1547
>Mike Vaughn/PR (313) 337-2786
>Jon Harmon/PR Truck Division, New guy (313) 248-3770
>Anne Doyle/PR Dir. North America Operations (313) 845-1527 
>
>        Now some of these names might be misspelled, and truthfully, not
>all of them talked with us; several  of these nice people never returned
>our calls, in spite of leaving numerous messages. However, most  of them
>were quite pleasant to deal with.
>
>THE QUESTION ...
>        Our request was quite simple: would the Ford boss consent to an
>interview, much like the one we had  with AlGore in the May issue of ORC?
>        Jeez, you would have thought that I had just asked to have his
>liver for a transplant!
>What followed was a world-class hemming and hawing session, that would have
>drawn a standing  ovation from Bill Clinton. Not one straight answer came
>from the collected PR types. Well, actually  one did. We were able to find
>out that William Clay Ford made those remarks in front of an  environmental
>group called CERES, or Concerned citizens for an Environmentally
>Responsible  Ecology, or something like that. You must understand, this is
>being translated from notes scribbled on  greasy taco wrappers.
>        Yes, we found out almost by accident, that old Billy Clay has
>spoken in front of many, many  environmental groups. When I asked the
>various PR types just how many off-road groups old Billy  Clay had appeared
>in front of, I was greeted with stony silence.
>        Taking a shot in the dark, I risked this response: "Don't bother
>looking it up. The answer is none.  We've done our research."
>        Reluctantly, the PR types confessed that William the Clay had,
>indeed, never spoken in front of an  off-road group.
>        I then reminded them that there are literally millions of
>off-roaders in this country alone, as well as  millions more who buy Ford
>trucks to haul their equipment from home to their recreation area. Was 
>Ford snubbing this group? Worse. Was Ford telling this group it was stupid
>to buy their products,  especially those evil, thirsty, polluting and
>unsafe SUVs?
>        Either way, all of the phone tag turned out to be an exercise in
>futility. Eventually, the PR types simply  never followed up on their
>promises to check on the possibility of an interview, and the lines from
>Baja  to Motor Town became silent.
>
>I figured the hell with it.
>
>Then, fate stepped in.
>
>        A short time ago, I was driving back from the Dinah Shore Lesbian
>Women's Tennis Classic in Palm  Springs (my second favorite sport, right
>after synchronized bowling) and took some back roads on the  way home to
>avoid the heavy traffic.
>        While trying to tune in a good Public Radio station, I glanced up
>to see a man waving a gas can in the  air, with his hood up: the universal
>sign for a poor traveler out of gas. Since he was driving one of those 
>cool new Ford Excursions and wearing a suit, I figured he was not a
>dead-beat, so I pulled over.
>        The fellow hopped in after I put his gas can in the trunk, and
>thanked me profusely.
>A conversation ensued, and thus, completely by accident, the long-sought
>after interview with William  Clay Ford came to pass:
>
>RICK: So, that gas hog ran out of gas, eh?
>WILLIAM CLAY FORD Jr. (aka FORD): Yeah. I call it the Exxon Valdez. Damned
>thing gets worse  mileage than my yacht.
>RICK: Funny you should call it that. Why, not too long ago, the Chairman of
>Ford said the same thing  at some sort of press conference.
>FORD: I know. That was me. William Clay Ford, but you can call me Bill.
>RICK: Hi. The name is Rick Sieman, but most folks call me Super Hunky. You
>may not believe this  Bill, but I've been trying to get you lined up for an
>interview for the better part of a month.
>FORD: Really? You work for a TV station or something?
>RICK: Naw. A lot better. I'm the Editorial Director of Off-Road.com, the
>largest off-road magazine in the  world. Couple million people click on us
>every month. Basically, we're the Jolly Green Giant in a pool  full of tiny
>little frogs.
>FORD: Hmmm. Sounds interesting, but I don't have much time to nerf the Net
>...
>RICK: You mean "surf the Net."
>FORD: Whatever. I have people do that for me.
>RICK: So, what's the deal with all these PR-types you have working for you?
>FORD: Oh, them? They're paid to isolate me from any sort of problem and
>basically make sure that  the only people who get through are ones we want
>to get through.
>RICK: Well then, how in the hell did they let you come off with all that
>stuff about SUVs being gross  polluters and a threat to the planet? I mean,
>that stirred up quite a stink with certain parts of the  public.
>FORD: Uhhh ... yes, we found that out later. But at least, it got the
>environmental community off our  back. I mean, they buy Ford products, just
>like anyone else.
>RICK: Bill, you have a serious problem here. I suspect someone blew out
>your mental pilot light.  You're rowing with one oar. You're two sandwiches
>short of a picnic. Your ace-high diamond flush has  a spade in it. You
>still have 412 payments left on a Yugo that was stolen in 1996.
>FORD: So what are you saying? Don't sugar-coat it.
>RICK: What I'm trying to tell you, Bill, is that you stepped on your own
>genitals, whizzed directly into  a window fan set on high, left a cake in
>the oven way too long and forgot to flush the toilet when your  Mom
>visited.
>FORD: In other words, I did something wrong?
>RICK: As my good buddy, Stone Cold Steve Austin, always says: "Not yes, but
>hell yes!"
>FORD: Would you be so kind as to shed a bit of light on the subject?
>RICK: Certainly! You see, Bill, you are out of the big picture. You're
>stuck in some high-bucks office,  surrounded by trophy-secretaries and
>fruit-cake junior executives who would be more suited to waiter  duties at
>some cross-dresser restaurant in San Francisco.
>Me? I'm a highly trained photo-journalist who has his finger on the pulse
>of the nation, and I know  what's happening. So here's the deal, Bill.
>There are literally millions of people who consider  themselves
>off-roaders. They drive everything from ATVs, to dirt bikes, snowmobiles,
>4x4s, jet-skis,  sand buggies and yes, even SUVs.
>And you guys sell an awful lot of SUVs and trucks, don't you? Want to give
>me the numbers?
>FORD: Well, as much as I'd like to, that's pretty much classified
>information.
>RICK: Let me give you a little help, Bill. This year, you expect to sell
>400,000 Explorers and about  850,000 F-150 trucks, just for starters. And
>after doing some serious research - two cases of beer  worth - I can tell
>you with a steely-eyed look that SUVs represent nearly half of all new car
>sales in  America.
>Even better, Ford makes about seven to ten percent more profit off an SUV
>than they do off a normal  car or truck. So, Bill, knowing this, why would
>you wind up and verbally kick all those current SUV  lovers right square in
>the nuts?
>FORD: Yes, but environmentalist buy cars. And we want them to buy Ford
>cars.
>RICK: OK, let's say the eco-freaks ...
>FORD: Eco-freaks? Why do you call them that?
>RICK: Because there's a large group of whackoids out there who literally
>hate humanity. They think a  rat has the same value as a child. They run
>around and French-kiss trees. They rub crystals, howl at  the moon, worship
>druids, turn into militant vegetarians, try to keep me from owning a gun,
>and drive  old VW busses with peace signs on them.
>FORD: But they're still potential customers ...
>RICK: Wrong, SUV-breath! First off, these people usually buy used Volvos or
>Saabs. And if they do buy  something new, it'll be some cracker-box of a
>car. And you guys don't make too many off those, now  do you?
>FORD: Hold it right there. Even as you speak, we're in the process of
>trying to buy Daewoo, a South  Korean company that makes really small cars.
>Of course, I can't go into the details on that right now.  Inside stuff,
>you know.
>RICK: I believe the price you guys are offering is a hair less than seven
>billion dollars. Right?
>FORD: What!
>RICK: So can we expect Ford to drop 4x4s and SUVs and start selling cars to
>Americans barely big  enough to hold two adults and a 20-pound watermelon?
>I think not, Bill.
>FORD: But the world needs responsible cars! It doesn't need any more
>gas-guzzling vehicles.
>RICK: Bill, Bill, Bill. I think you've been out in the sun too long and
>your brain is medium rare at this  point. Let's take an example. You now
>that Excursion we left sitting along the highway back there?
>FORD: Uhhh ... yes.
>RICK: Well, how many people can you put in there?
>FORD: Gosh, eight or nine, easy.
>RICK: OK then, how many people can you get into a Daewoo?
>FORD: Maybe four. If they're on the small side.
>RICK: Bingo! Now let's do the math. Say the Excursion gets 18 miles per
>gallon and carries eight  people, plus their gear for a day out camping.
>Are you following this?
>FORD: Proceed.
>RICK: Now, what does the Daewoo get, all loaded down with four people and a
>small trunk full of  gear?
>FORD: Ah, maybe 30 - 35 miles per gallon. Somewhere in that range.
>RICK: Which means if eight people are going camping, they have to take two
>Daewoos for the people  and probably a third one to carry all their gear.
>So you end up using less gas with the Excursion.
>Then you've got the added benefit of actually being able to take the
>Excursion down a nasty old dirt  road to get to that hidden lake back in
>the woods. That Daewoo would be scraping the body and get  hung up on that
>same road.
>FORD: I see your point, but what about the safety factor? After all, if one
>of our larger SUVs like the  Navigator or the Excursion gets into a wreck
>with a small car like that Daewoo, you're talking about,  the Daewoo will
>get crushed like an aluminum can!
>RICK: So what's your answer? Make the SUV less strong? How about the makers
>of small cars  building their cars better instead? What we have here, Bill,
>is an attempt on your part to decrease the  safety of your vehicles,
>instead of the others increasing the safety of theirs. Does that make any 
>sense to you at all?
>Why do you think people are buying SUVs in the first place? They like the
>idea that they have real  frames and strong bodies. They also like to be
>able to sit up high and have a commanding view of the  road. I personally
>like them because I can look down at girl's legs in cars next to me.
>FORD: Yes, but that's part of the problem. Those darned SUVs roll over a
>lot because of that high  center of gravity. And we get sued all the time
>because of that.
>RICK: (Sigh) Bill, it takes a real moron to roll an SUV on the road. And if
>you take an SUV off-road  and it doesn't have sufficient ground clearance,
>it'll get hung up on some ruts and the occupants will  get stuck in the
>middle of nowhere. And who wants to even think about buying an off-road
>vehicle  without extra ground clearance. That's the first thing you do when
>designing one: get it up in the air a  bit.
>FORD: Well, that's just part of the conflict I have to deal with. It's not
>easy, you know. On one hand,  we have to be responsible to the environment.
>On the other hand, we're making money like drug  dealers off those stupid
>SUVs.
>That's why we issued that "corporate citizenship" report. We want to let
>the world know that even  though we'll continue to make those road monster
>SUVs, we'll try to make them better, just so we  won't be called
>hypocrites. After all, we want to listen to what all our customers have to
>say.
>RICK: Bill, with all due respect, I'm just about ready to toss your ass out
>of the car right now. Gas can  and all.
>FORD: Why's that?
>RICK: Because this report you gave was in front of an environmental group.
>And, according to your  own PR people, you've met with and talked to
>eco-groups many, many times over the last few years.
>FORD: So? What's wrong with that?
>RICK: What's wrong is that you've never, ever, once in your life, talked
>with and listened to any off-road  groups. Nada. Zip. Nothing. And we're a
>huge customer base.
>Why don't you just tell us to get lost? Or go buy Chevy 4x4s, trucks and
>SUVs. What you said was  rude, crude, thoughtless and a direct invitation
>to the off-roading community to kiss your hairy  corporate butt.
>FORD: Well, it might look like that, but ...
>RICK: But nothing! IT IS LIKE THAT! Jeez, Bill, even the press mentioned
>that your comments were  cynical and hypocritical, and you've got GMC and
>Chrysler so mad they can't see straight.
>FORD: Oh, and why, might I ask, would the competition be mad at a verbal
>gaff I made?
>RICK: Because, Bill, the government will listen to what you have to say
>simply because you happen  to be the Chairman of a huge car company. And
>what you said was like a direct invitation for them to  step in and make
>some more horribly restrictive rules and regulations against SUVs.
>Yes, Bill, single-handedly, you have given the bureaucrats all the ammo
>they need to run drooling  down the hallways of Congress, babbling like
>cretins, demanding a multitude of limp-dog changes to  enforce the building
>and selling of worse and worse SUVs.
>FORD: I don't look at it that way. You see, Rick, there are three types of
>California emissions that  exist: California standard, Low-level emissions,
>and Ultra-low emissions. We're going to make all of  our vehicles low-level
>emissions at the very least. And I think that's a good thing.
>RICK: Really? Do you realize that means no Power Enrichment set-up, which
>means no proper  wide-open-throttle conditions? Which means everything you
>sell will run like a three-legged hamster  and you won't even be able to
>tow a small boat up a hill without dropping down to low gear?
>FORD: Well, if that's what it takes, so be it. Whatever improves the
>environment is what I'll do, no  matter the consequences!
>(EDITOR'S NOTE: At this point, I stopped the car, and walked around to the
>passenger side.)
>RICK: Bill, get out.
>FORD: Why? There's not a gas station in sight!
>RICK: Don't worry. I know this road. Walk about nine miles, and you'll find
>a station on the right side.
>FORD: Hold on there! Why are you making me walk?
>RICK: Simple. My car gets much better mileage when the load is lighter. I
>figure if I let you out, I'll  save gas and improve the environment, no
>matter the consequences.
>FORD: Wait ... I've got money and ...
>RICK: So do I, Bill. Enough to get by on. But like you said, smaller is
>better. And considering that it's  92 degrees and you've got a suit on, my
>bet is that you'll be a whole lot smaller in an hour or so. Enjoy  your
>walk.
>