Re: simulating an ECTRA vet check

["Susan Garlinghouse" <suendavid@worldnet.att.net>]

Great advice on simulating an ECTRA ride...now, here's how to simulate an
AERC vet check:

Gallop into the "vet area", if possible trampling several of the loose dogs
and spectators gathered there.  Lead your horse right up to the water
trough, the one with the sign next to it saying "NO SPONGING" and
immediately immerse your muddy sponge to get it all nice and clean after you
dropped it a ways back.  While sponging your horse, make sure he rubs his
head on the nearest drinking horse, if possible, getting his tack
irreparably tangled up.  As soon as your horse stops rubbing and starts
drinking, have a crewperson heave a five gallon bucket of ice water over the
both of you, while simultaneously hitting the horse in the head with a
bucket of bran mash and trying to cram a banana in your ear, meanwhile
screaming, "IS HE DOWN YET???".  Check your horse's heart rate by looking
for your heart monitor.  It will either be missing or telling you your
horse's heart rate is 376.  No matter.  Shriek for a P&R person as loudly as
possible and continue shrieking until serviced.

 Hold your horse with a death grip by the bit, glaring at him eye-to-eye and
muttering darkly that he'll be barbecue by midnight if he kicks the vet
again.  Have a "P&R person"  walk up to your horse, fumble with a
stethoscope, put it in their ears backwards and place the bell end on your
horse's neck, stare intently at their watch for five minutes, move the
stethoscope to three more places on your horse's neck/withers/shoulder and
then pronounce your horse "down" and scream as loudly as possible into the
horse's ear, "TIME!!!!".  If possible, have another volunteer on the other
side scream "10:42!!!" into your horse's other ear.  If *your* watch is
telling you that this means your horse will be allowed to go in
approximately five hours, all is going as expected.

Now take your horse to the "vet".  Don't remove any tack, in fact, drape as
much as possible all over him.  If possible, have some of it drag on the
ground, get tangled up in the horse's feet and either break, fall off and
cause your horse to trip and fall on top of the nearest ride official.
Approach the "vet" who will also place a stethoscope on various parts of the
horse.  As soon as he starts listening, start talking and asking questions
as loudly as possible.  If he doesn't answer and gets a peeved look on his
face, repeat everything again---he just wants to make sure he heard you
right.  When he gives up and asks for your vet card, hand him a soggy soda
cracker.  At this point he'll ask you to trot out the horse---what he really
means is for your horse to wheel around, knock him into the nearest clump of
swamp or cactus (depending on your region), kick the nearest horse and
refuse to budge.  If he's a stallion, this would be a good time for him to
drop and start trying to prop himself up with his penis.  If she's a mare,
squatting and peeing right in front of the nearest propped-up stallion is
just as good.

Have a crew member wave their arms and/or a whip around behind the horse to
get it moving.  Try to get the whip to smack the horses standing in line
behind him.  When the horse whinnies in terror, bolts and tramples the vet,
that's fine---he can check the girth area for sores as it's passing over
him.  Watch your horse carefully for signs of stiffness or lameness as it
gallops off into the wilderness.  Don't forget to retrieve your soda cracker
vet card from the vet's clenched fist as you leave.

:-)

Susan G


----- Original Message -----
From: Dave & Abby Bloxsom <cyclone@snet.net>
To: <teep@bedford.net>
Cc: Ridecamp <ridecamp@endurance.net>
Sent: Tuesday, July 18, 2000 5:13 PM
Subject: RC: simulating an ECTRA vet check


> For an ECTRA check, you should have 4 people.  Two will hold notebooks
with
> flapping papers, one will put hands on every part of the horse above the
> elbow & stifle, one will touch each leg all the way down.  The Notebook
> people will stand one on each side (as will the Touchers) and then they'll
> switch sides & repeat the touching on the other side.  One of the touchers
> will put fingers on the gums, pinch the skin on the neck, and maybe look
> under the lower eyelid.  The Top of Body Toucher will need to look at the
> horse's whole head as well, on both sides and on the poll.
>
> Then you need to jog the horse *on a slack lead* away from the group about
> 50-60 feet, jog a *round* circle (maybe 20-30 feet radius) in each
> direction, and jog back toward the group.  The horse should stop & start
> when you do, without you needing to pull on the lead (much).  To make it
> smooth, you should halt and turn between each segment of the jog-out.
>
> The P&R check is a piece of cake compared to that, just one person and a
> stethoscope, but if your horse can stand *motionless* for 2 minutes you'll
> be doin' great!
>
> If you can master all of that, your horse will be better behaved than 50%
of
> the competitors out there ...
>
> Good luck!
> -Abby Bloxsom
>
>
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