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On a roll!



Hi all
Just finished sending the computer joke to Maria ("Deleting") and
thought we might all enjoy a good laugh to start the new year. Since I
know most of you probably have cats (somehow horses and cats seem to go
together, and we call them barn cats (that's what we women tell our
husbands but whether or not they even ever see the barn is
inconsequential to most of us), here is a story that was the best one
sent to me in 1999. Maybe we should start a tradition on the first of
each new year with the best story we've heard in 1999 (actually the
blond on a runaway horse joke (and I'm blond) was a close runner-up to
this cat one.
Enjoy!
Bette Lamore
Whispering Oaks Arabians

How To Bathe A Cat

  (Note:  Jeffery LaCroix is a veterinarian with an office in
  Wilmington. He writes a column for the Morning Star called
  "From Paws to Tails."

  Here is his response to a letter regarding bathing a cat:)

  Dear Dr. LaCroix:  I've heard that cats never have to be bathed, and
that they have some sort of special enzyme in their saliva that keeps
them clean.  This doesn't sound believable to me because there are
definite "kitty" odors on my couch and dirty cat paw prints on our white
hearth.
Is this true about the saliva?  If we do decide to give
"Nice Kitty" a bath, how do we do that? - NSP, Wilmington

Dear NSP:  Fortunately for you, several years ago a client gave me a
written set of instructions about cat bathing which I am privileged to
share with you:

       Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

A.  Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of concern for human life, you have  the advantage of strength.

Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to
bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.  Pick a
very small bathroom.

If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get
in the tub with the cat and close the sliding glass doors as if you were
about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do.  A
berserk  cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a
politician can shift positions.)

B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
skin from your body.  Your advantage here is that you are smart and know
how to dress to protect  yourself.

I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a
pair of steel mesh gloves, an   army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a
long-sleeved flak jacket. 

C.  Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your
strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.) 

D.  Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. 
In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo. 

You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

E.  Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has  soapy fur, and
the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for
more than two or three seconds at a time.  When you have him, however,
you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like
crazy.

He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, hereby rinsing
himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't
expect too much.) 

F.  Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
this point and the cat is just getting really determined.

In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been
through.

That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently   affixed to your
right leg.

You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and
wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of
your army helmet. If this  happens, the best thing you can do is to
shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)  After all the
water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down
and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He
will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a
lot of time sitting with his back to you.

He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a
plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. 

As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and
injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.


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